Can i not drive my cunt home
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
