So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
