Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
