I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
