hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
3 2 1 whiskey
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize
