all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.