Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
