How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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