shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
