Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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