When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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