Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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