Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
