using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
