yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
