YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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