I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
