the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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