are you so shy because you have an std?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She even gives head with a lisp.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
