There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
