So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
