New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
