non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I had to cum in my sink.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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