Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
