He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
