Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
