and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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