I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
