we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
