I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
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She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
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She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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