party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
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Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
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We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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