does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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