I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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