Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
