im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
