im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
