Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
