oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
my liver is dry heaving
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
