i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
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Going to get a "plan B"urrito
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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