His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
