I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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