oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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