You're my little dorito
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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