My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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