So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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