I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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