If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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