thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
