how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
She announced her abortion via fbk
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.