So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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