ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
