Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
