i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
