im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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