k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize