Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
