My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
